Waste Management

10/27/24

I made what can only be described as the worst discovery of my life today.

So, in New Zealand, camper vans classified as “Self Contained,” AKA able to camp wherever they want, are required to consist of a few things. Namely, a sink system with fresh water and grey water, and a portable toilet. Thus, upon purchasing my van, I made sure that it contained said features in order to camp where I’d like, when I’d like. The previous owner, as many owners assert on their “For Sale” listings, assured me the toilet had “never been used.” Keep in mind, these NZ camper vans are passed from backpacker to backpacker like a hot potato.

So I, naturally, have been operating on the assumption that the portable toilet upon which my box of food and dishes have been perched for the last month is clean. However, today I decided to rework my storage system and picked up the toilet as it’s quite small and light. To my horror, I heard a sloshing within the waste chamber…. Hold on. There should be no sloshing. This thing has never been used!

Obviously, this required further investigation. Faced with the option of buying a new $300 toilet and chucking this one (the thought crossed my mind) or cleaning it, my bank account made my decision for me. I had the whole afternoon to myself, so I grabbed some gloves, cleaning spray, a hose, and buckled in for the potential degradation.

I started with the lower chamber. I unscrewed the cap and the one distinct smell I’d been hoping wouldn’t emerge hit my nostrils. I looked in and saw it. The thing I really didn’t want to see. I could handle the lesser of the two evils, but this, this was too much. To my “luck", the unknown length of time this gift had been sitting in the toilet had thoroughly liquified it all, making disposal into a toilet relatively easy. Although I’m not sure the word “easy” applies to any aspect of the pickle I’ve found myself in.

After disposing of the substance, I sprayed down and scrubbed the toilet. Still, the sloshing noise. What fresh horrors could this plastic toilet contain?! My suspicions were confirmed as I discovered yet another chamber, and my fears mounted as I unscrewed the second cap. Inexplicably, no smell! I hobbled precariously to the bathroom to do another toxic waste dump, expecting copious amounts of the yellow stuff. To my shock, all that came out was water! Was this a previous owner’s attempt at “cleaning”? I am still thoroughly confused as to the logistics of this thing, but wish to know no more. Ignorance is bliss, I’m happy to have a clean toilet that will (hopefully) never be used again in its long, happy, untouched life.

A trip to to Warehouse (NZ Walmart) later on in the day for some storage bins revealed a cleaning product especially made for these situations. Too little, too late!

I’ll be honest, the completion of the task imbued me with a sense of pride I haven’t felt in quite a while…. Nothing like cleaning up someone else’s shit to remind yourself of your own fortitude.

To never experiencing what I experienced today!

Cheers,

GB